i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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