I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
