My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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