Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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