Have you finally orgasmed yet?
literally had 100 drinks last night.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
