You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
