Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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