everyone is single if you try hard enough
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
