woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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