I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
