she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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