You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
