I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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