I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
