tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
