Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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