I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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