my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
