my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
