Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
