The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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