she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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