I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
