At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
