It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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