I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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