rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
