Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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