I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
