Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
organizing the empties. That sober.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
They took my balls.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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