I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
