there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
This is not my ceiling
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
