paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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