If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
