ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
