We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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