She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
