This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
