Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I won't apologize to a one balled man
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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