I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
