Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
