I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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