Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
