If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
