I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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