just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
