I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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