i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
