If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
