And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
