Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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